I could have done so many things, baby,
if I could only stop my mind
from wond’rin’ what I left behind
and from worryin’ ’bout this wasted time. (The Eagles)
One year ago today, while at work, I suffered what my neurologist called a “thunderclap” headache. I’ve had a year without work, without answers, and without what I would call, my “normal life.”
This year, to many, will appear to be a waste of time. I don’t have a diagnosis; I’m not cured. In fact, it may seem I’ve gone backwards. Digressed, instead of moving forward with my life…
Throughout the struggle of searching for answers, fighting with doctors and hospitals for tests, changing insurance, losing my job, I have come to understand some of the struggles and frustrations of some of the people I once served while working at Legal Aid. My empathy for their situations has deepened; ironic that I am no longer in a position to reach them. Seems like I should be able to use this lesson learned, doesn’t it?
I am reminded of a similar situation in my life. I was enrolled at Lockyear Business College, bookkeeping and paralegal studies, when the school filed for bankruptcy and closed. I was a few hours short of graduating and at the time, it felt like I had wasted two years and thousands of dollars that I owed in student loans.
But a few years later, without benefit of a degree, I found a job as a bookkeeper for a small business. And, as you just read, I eventually worked in a legal office.
Wasted time. What most would consider a waste, God can use. He can use every experience along my path to his glory…if I let him. My whole life is merely preparation for moments that God can use to his glory.
When Jesus called the disciples, he took time to teach them…but he used what they had already experienced in their lives to help them relate to his teachings.
When David stood before Goliath, he used his knowledge of fighting wild animals while protecting his father’s flocks to slay the giant. Seasoned warriors fled, but David trusted God and God used what David knew best.
No matter what my circumstance, I know that I am exactly where God would have me be. Because today, God can use whatever you or I have to offer, to reach those who need him. We have only to provide the williness…He will provide the opportunity.
Next weekend, Jim and I will travel to Ann Arbor, Michigan, to have further tests and meet with a team of neurologists. While we are still seeking answers, we are also mindful of the path that God is leading us on and thankful for the prayers and support of so many.
Wasted time? Only if I let it be.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11
2 thoughts on “Wasted time…”
When I read the title of your entry, I immediately began singing in my head what is probably my second-favorite Eagles song (the first being “Seven Bridges Road.”) I remember vividly being heartbroken on a beautiful, sunny summer day after my boyfriend informed me we “should see other people,” and that “it wasn’t me, it was him.” Later that day I was driving aimlessly on the backroads of Spencer County, crying, listening to the Eagles on cassette. I remember the pain in my heart, the hopelessness I felt as a 19 year old girl who thought her world was over. Then the line “you never thought you’d be alone this far down the line, but I know what’s been on your mind – you’re afraid it’s all been wasted time.”
At that moment I believed with all of my 19-year-old heart that my life had been a waste, that the time I’d spent (3 years) with my boyfriend had been nothing but wasted time. I’d love to say that I had an epiphany that day, listening to that song, that made me realize otherwise but it took another 20 years before I began to see that hand of God at work in my life. After the haze of alcohol cleared and the beginning of my letting God take down my wall of protection, I finally started to see my life and what I had perceived as my failures to be more than wasted time – they were stepping stones on the way to recovering what childhood had stolen.
Music ministers to me in so many ways. Songs make their mark in my heart as reminders of where I am at a certain point in my life so that as I grow stronger and closer to Christ I can see the hand of God at work in the years of my youth.
I pray that you will receive answers about your health soon. I am so thankful that God is using your “free time” to speak through your blog.
blessings & hugs,
What can I do for you? I am putting you on my prayer list and other prayer lists. Have a safe trip. Keep hanging on to HIm.