And when she was bad, she was horrid…

I have often said that the world would be a much better place is we all had a nap each day.

Today, I should have taken my own advice.

I’m grumpy and crabby…I’m out of sorts with myself. I’ve been argumentative and pouty. I feel like I could just punch someone. (Please note: Jim and the cats are not in the room and completely out of harms way.) Not a pretty picture, is it?

I’ve apologized to Jim (and to God) more times today than I can count. Both have been very patient and generous.

So why am I so crabby?

I’d like to say it’s someone else’s fault. That another person has caused me to suffer so that my head feels like it might explode. That because of this person’s actions, I am in such a foul mood. And I would be right. Well, I would be correct that someone has caused me pain.

But…if truth be known…I’m in this mood because of me.

Today started with me waking before 4 am. I fed the cats, who were thrilled with my early morning appearance, and sat down to catch up on some e-mail and facebook messages.

Several people popped up on facebook to offer their condolences. Yesterday, my brother, David, died after a battle with lung cancer. Though we were expecting the news this year, we certainly weren’t expecting it so soon.

I retrieved the paper, read the headlines and looked at a few ads. I clipped some coupons and started on the crossword puzzle. I remembered that the men’s tennis finals were on and turned on the tv to see Djockovic celebrating his victory. Then I turned the channel and found one of my favorites. Charles Stanley.

Dr. Stanley was preaching on the 23rd Psalm. Rather appropriate, wouldn’t you say? It was a good message; one I need to hear, every time I hear it. I felt good. Not happy of course…I am sad at losing David so soon. But my soul felt good.

Even in Dr. Stanley’s message, I was reminded of what I say about naps. “He maketh me lie down in green pastures.” Oh…why didn’t I heed this message?

Then, I pulled a “Peter”. I took my eyes off of Christ. I started looking around. I saw the wind. I saw the waves. I noticed a few disciples snickering behind their hands, waiting for me to sink. And so…I did.

Oh, there was no splash of water, but I’m sure God heard me just the same. Instead of remembering the words Dr. Stanley spoke “thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me”, I focused on the negative. And the longer the day went, the worse my mood (and my headache) became.

The next few days are going to be rough ones. I’m sure that I will need to be reminded numerous times that if I would keep my focus where it belongs, things would be so much better. I cannot change the circumstances. I cannot change other people. All I can change is me…my attitude.

A green pasture sounds so cool and inviting. It sounds like the other side of the pillow feels to a fevered brow. Like cool water from the garden hose on a hot summer day. Refreshing. Soothing.

I’m like Peter in so many ways. Like Peter, I was distracted. Like Peter, I sank. And like Peter, I cried out…and Christ raised me up again.

The Lord is my shepherd…I shall not want…surely goodness and mercy await me…and I will dwell in God’s house forever. Amen.

God cannot give us  peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. ~~C. S. Lewis

3 thoughts on “And when she was bad, she was horrid…

  1. The next few days will be rough, but here’s hoping each day gets a little better. I’m so sorry for your loss. : (

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  2. Just remember that David is lying in his own green pasture and painfree, watching a rainbow and a dove bringing him peace. You know that he wouldn’t want his baby sister to be in pain either, so you have to remember to take care of yourself and treat yourself gently like a child of God that you are! Prayers and Hugs for you and your family.

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  3. I’m sorry for your loss, Sonia. May you be blessed in your mourning and see God.

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